4 Reasons Women Feel Guilty For Saying YES To Themselves

The epiphany that woke me up from the people-pleasing trance.

One cold December night, I found myself torn. I had plans to meet a girlfriend for dinner, but all I wanted was to stay cocooned in my warm, cozy blankets. The snowy Colorado roads and the thought of being social felt unbearable.

I was grieving the end of my marriage, my heart raw from the ache of watching my soon-to-be-ex-husband move on while I was left licking my wounds. My friend would have understood if I canceled, but I still felt guilty.

Canceling felt wrong, yet going felt worse—I didn’t have the energy to truly show up.

As I wrestled with my decision, I paced to the laundry room, my thoughts tumbling like the clothes in the washing machine spinning in front of me: You already said yes—she’ll be upset if you cancel. But you don’t want to go. Maybe you should force yourself—it might be good for you. But staying in would feel so good.

Then, like a bolt of clarity, a thought came to me. It wasn’t a justification or excuse—it was a declaration.

“I’d rather disappoint another than disappoint myself.”

I froze as the words echoed through me. I said them again: “I’d rather disappoint another than disappoint myself.” It felt radical, like a truth I’d known deep down but never dared to claim.

My mind stilled, and a new possibility opened up:

• What if I prioritized my needs over the fear of someone else’s disappointment?

• What if I stopped abandoning myself to make others happy?

The realization shook me. Was this what I’d been doing my whole life—sacrificing my joy, my truth, and my desires to meet the expectations of others?

If I chose to stay in, I risked my friend’s disappointment. But if I went, I’d betray myself. Which mattered more?

I called my friend to reschedule, bracing for her reaction. To my relief, she was understanding. While she was disappointed to not see me, she admitted she’d rather stay in, too.

As I hung up the phone and settled back on the couch, I felt the weight of an old pattern begin to lift. Choosing myself felt freeing—and radical. The thought, I’d rather disappoint another than disappoint myself, defied a lifetime of people-pleasing: putting others’ needs before my own, always shining a light on what they wanted while keeping my own desires in the dark.

That moment marked the start of a journey to understand why so many women feel guilty for prioritizing their needs, dreams, and desires.

Why do we constantly put others first, even at our own expense? And more importantly, how do we unlearn these patterns so we can say yes to ourselves without guilt?

To stop feeling guilty for prioritizing ourselves, we need to understand why we feel that way in the first place. Only then can we release the guilt and confidently say YES to ourselves, creating the happiness and fulfillment we truly desire.

Photo of a painting I saw in a small restaurant in Ubud. The artist is unknown, but the woman’s face reminds me of my great-grandmother, who also struggled to prioritize herself. We’re dealing with (and transforming) intergenerational patterns.

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4 Reasons Women Feel Guilty For Saying YES To Themselves

Reason 1: Societal expectations, cultural norms and gender roles, oh my!

We’re conditioned from a young age to put others’ needs and desires before our own. We’re also expected to be the nurturers and caretakers, using our innate gifts as women in service of others at the expense of ourselves. The message is clear: our value lies in how well we serve others, not in how we care for ourselves

Reason 2: Internalized beliefs: they said it’s true so it must be true, right?

Cultural conditioning is all around us, shaping our beliefs so deeply that we mistake them for our own. We internalize the idea that putting ourselves first is wrong and that being “selfish” is the ultimate sin. We buy into the narrative that our worth comes from being a good daughter, sister, partner, mother, or employee, endlessly giving to others even when it depletes us.

Reason 3: Fear of judgment: will they kick me out of the community?

We fear being judged and labeled as selfish, ungrateful, or neglectful. The fear of being seen as a bad partner, friend, or professional can make us feel like we’ll be cast out, rejected by our communities, families, and circles. To avoid this, we conform to societal expectations, playing the role of the “good ____,” even when it comes at the expense of our happiness.

Reason 4: Lack of support: nobody else is choosing this. Does that make me wrong?

When there’s little support for self-care and prioritizing ourselves, it’s easy to feel guilty for stepping off the path of self-sacrifice. This lack of encouragement can make us feel isolated and ashamed for wanting more, as if prioritizing our desires makes us irresponsible or wrong.

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“When a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible,
she becomes free to learn how to please herself.”
~ Glennon Doyle
#1 New York Times Bestselling author of “Untamed”

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Now that you know the reasons behind the guilt that arises whenever you prioritize yourself, here’s what to you can do to break free from this destructive pattern.

Breaking Free from Guilt: What You Can Do

Recognize Cultural Conditioning

Understand that these beliefs were designed to keep us ‘in line,’ making us more controllable and less likely to put ourselves first. Recognizing this is the first step in reclaiming your power.

Increase Self-Awareness

Start identifying the internalized beliefs that shape your decisions. Journaling, therapy, and coaching can be powerful resources for uncovering these patterns and empowering you to make choices aligned with who you truly are and what you really want.

Reframe Judgment

Remember that insight I shared? “I’d rather disappoint another than disappoint myself.” Choosing what’s true for you, even if it is different from others’ expectations, is vital. Learning to release self-judgment and accept that others may judge you without letting it control you is the path to liberation.

Find Your Support System

Surround yourself with people who encourage you to prioritize yourself and your dreams. This doesn’t mean abandoning your responsibilities, but it does mean making space for yourself. Seek out inspiring voices online, join supportive communities, or work with a coach or therapist who can guide you in unlearning social conditioning and creating a life that lights you up.

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Living beyond society’s limits as a woman takes courage, but it’s possible. With the right support and a commitment to yourself, you can pursue—and live!—your dreams and desires without guilt.

If you’d like to dive deeper into this topic, you might enjoy my free downloadable PDF: How To Say Yes To Yourself Without Feeling Guilty.

Did you have any insights when reading about my epiphany? Let me know! Drop a comment below. I love hearing from you!

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