Once Upon a Time I Got Engaged… and Lost Myself

What if the truth you're avoiding is the one that will give you wings?

Once upon a time I was engaged.

I said yes because I loved the man.

I said yes even though we’d had a conversation a few weeks prior where we’d both agreed now was not the time for that.

But I still said yes because I didn’t want to lose the man.

So instead, I lost a bit of me. I buried my knowing that this wasn’t the time and this wasn’t the relationship for either of us to commit to a lifetime together.

I threw myself into doing what I could to create our life together. To make this decision *right*.

But…as is the way with these kinds of self-betrayals…my body wouldn’t let me hide from my truth forever. I started to experience several different ‘mysterious’ physical symptoms. The practitioner I was working with thought I had candida.

So I treated the symptoms, all the while sensing that wasn’t the real issue or solution.

The real issue was that I’d abandoned myself and my body was saying STOP IT!

I was afraid to face my knowing: that I did not want to get married.

I was afraid to face his hurt.

I was afraid to face the untangling of our lives, our business, our home that we’d created together.

But one morning, curled up on the green leather couch crying and pouring all of my angst into my journal, I finally LISTENED to the wisdom that had been living inside me all along.

“You’ve been living your maybe,” I heard.

More tears flowed in recognition of this truth. I’d been choosing a safe harbor to hang out in, telling myself that ‘maybe’ was good enough.

“So what am I to do instead?” I asked.

Then three words that would forever change my life bubbled up from my belly. “Live your yes.”

At the time, I wasn’t sure what my YES was, I just knew it had something to do with following the wisdom and guidance of my heart.

I also knew what wasn’t my YES.

And like Anais Nin says, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

After that journaling-prayerful-a-ha moment, I was no longer willing to avoid the change that was required to live my yes, to live a life that included all of me in it, to live a life of no more self-abandonment or betrayal.

Shortly after this major epiphany, I started having the important conversations with him, with the help of a great couples therapist, so I could speak my truth, honor what we’d shared together, and unravel our lives from one another. It wasn’t easy but it was honest and a relief to finally face what was true for me rather than avoiding the change.

Photo credit: Sylvia Valentine.

Did that change give me wings?

It invited me to inhabit my life more fully and honestly. It revealed to me my own inner GPS with my YES, NO and MAYBE. And it instilled in me a new devotion to LISTEN to and HONOR my inner GPS. So yeah, I’d say it gave me wings. Most definitely. (And those mysterious physical symptoms? Yeah, they went away.)

Is there a change you’ve been avoiding? Perhaps in a relationship with yourself or another, with money or your business?

If so, I get it. Avoidance served me for a little while. It showed me the cost of giving up what’s true for me. It showed me the pain of self-betrayal. And ugh…those were some powerful yet important ‘gifts’ to receive from avoidance.

But to stay in avoidance forever? What’s the real cost of that? You. Your life. Your wings. Are you willing to really lose all of that and yourself?

Let’s keep this conversation going… this is a space where you don’t have to carry it all alone. Sometimes the first step to letting go of avoidance is simply and powerfully naming it. That one act can start to melt the shame that keeps us stuck.

💬 Is there some truth you’ve been hiding, or a conversation you’ve been avoiding? Drop it in the comments below. You never know who else might breathe a little easier because you did… including you.

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📘 This isn’t just my story. It’s Sabina’s, too.

The journey I shared above inspired my debut novel, It’s Always Been Me. (Coming out on June 10th!)

It follows my protagonist’s, Sabina’s, journey of self-abandonment, her own process of ‘awakening’, and reclaiming her power. It’s deeply personal fiction rooted in a truth so many of us live.

If this speaks to you, if you’d like a binge-able beach read with a whole lotta depth (and myth, and art, and ocean themes), I’d be honored if you’d pre-order my book. Pre-orders are a huge help. Why? They signal demand, boost visibility and rankings on release day, and give the book real momentum out in the world. In other words, your pre-order helps give my book wings!

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🎉 You’re Invited: a revolutionary party!

And once you pre-order (if that’s your next YES!)…

RSVP for my virtual book launch party!

It’s an event that’s equal parts celebration, revolution, and soul-sparkling joy. As we explore the themes in the book, you’ll be invited into real conversations and powerful reflection designed to help you stop avoiding your truth, start saying yes to yourself, and remember that your wings were there all along.

Join the waitlist at the button below to get the scoop as soon as it’s available and make sure you don’t miss your chance to be part of the magic.

What if the truth you’re avoiding is the one that will give you wings?

Photo credit: Sylvia Valentine